Once upon a time, last millennium (sometime around 1991), I wrote a few words for an occult fanzine called Kallisti. I typed them on a machine called a typewriter, because word processing software was for those with computers, expensive miraculous boxes way out of the reach of such as me, struggling to survive in bedsit land…
Earlier today I was chatting with a friend of mine via the medium of facebook, and we were comparing very similar conclusions about the HGA concept, although coming from different starting positions, and I was reminded of these words. I felt the need to dig them out of the archives and see what they look like without the rosy hue of nostalgia which my memory had imbued them with.
As expected they aren’t quite so potent with meaning as I had remembered them, but, they are nevertheless worth publishing, as they have helped to guide my life path to what I do now. Who knows, they might prompt thoughts of some worth for others!
So, here is a reproduction of those words. I took these photos with my phone, and then uploaded them to the interwebz from the comfort of my sofa. (I still have the typewriter they were written on, for the day when civilisation collapses, and I will want to produce a fanzine from amongst the rubble…)
Apologies for the small size of the words, try zooming in on your screen if the letters are too hard to read!
I think I was sort of grasping towards the K&C of the HGA, but trying to view it without the mythology. Alan Chapman developed a similar idea in some of his writings too, as have several others I have spoken with over the years.
I don’t know if my plan back then has worked out as I wanted it to, but, I do use a conceptual device of perceiving my ‘future me’ as a real person, who I want to be nice to, do things for, and who I like. Conceptualising this future me as a co-existing person in another place helps me, as I feel happier helping others than myself, so this reframe gets me to do things I would be too lazy to otherwise!
And while the technologies of the world around me alter, I have indeed altered too, out of recognition from the person I was then. Many of the distinguishing features of Me, my appearance, my habits, my skillsets, my friends, my name, my tastes, have changed. Yet, does something remain of the ‘me’ that I identified with at that date?
Hard to know. I think that the style of writing is recognisable, so my authorial voice has echoes of that young woman, starting to find her own interpretation of a magickal universe and how to live in it. Perhaps I could call this my genius, in the sense of that word as meaning my spirit, my attitude.
I feel very different now to the person I was then. Twenty plus years later, it is hard to even recall the place I lived in, the people I knew back then. My experiences have been rich and numerous, meaning that although those days were an intrinsically vital part of my life seen as a complete story, they do not fill much space in my mind these days.
Acknowledging and integrating the alterations we all achieve (or have thrust upon us!) gives us the freedom to stay flexible and active in our lives, instead of getting stuck in the ruts of previous habitual patterns. Those who strive to resist change become hungry ghosts, always wanting to taste food which no longer exists. Their desires keep them fixed in their past appetites, unable to taste the foods of today.
Speaking of which, I need to go to my well stocked (although admittedly rather small!) freezer and see what odd new favour that filled pasta is, which I had delivered last week by the supermarket, paid for with my debit card. In 1991, I would have been counting up loose coins to see if I could afford to buy enough food to make a meal from, and weighing up whether feeding myself or the electricity meter was the priority for the week.
How times have changed!
PS The pasta was walnut and gorgonzola. Hmm… This kind of thing is why good old fashioned veggie gloop and rice still holds a regular place in my cooking repertoire, despite my ability to buy weird new foods if I choose to! 😉